Keep your Weapon Loaded and Your Barf Bag Ready

Postal II is the sequel to a barely memorable action game whose claim to fame was some of the most extreme violence in computer game history – such as wounded opponents crawling away screaming “I can’t feel my legs!”

The sequel took that memory and implanted it into a new bad-ass Unreal-powered game engine to make a deliciously bloody first person shooter that could have been a 4-star game if not for some rather glaring problems.

Basically, this game is a tease. It teases you with the luscious graphics and promises of free-form play.

No “standard” FPS missions here! “It’s only as violent as you are,” according to the Web site. Supposedly, you can go, pickup your paycheck, cash your paycheck and pick up the milk without ever firing a bullet.

The problem is, if you try to get your paycheck without losing your temper over being fired, then you still have to contend with the mob of computer game-hating fanatics who rush into the building fully armed.

If you wait through the tediously long line to cash your check at the bank, armed robbers swarm in at the moment you get your cash, only to start shooting up the place.

Mind you, I’m not suggesting that there are a bunch of Sims-loving gamers who are going to buy this game to see if they can make it through the game without resorting to violence.

But the actual “choices” available are simply paper-thin covering over excuses for more violence.

In a few rare cases – such as the bank, you actually can take an alternative approach, such as robbing the bank yourself! In that case, you deal with the cops, instead of armed hoodlums.

But the very first mission – picking up your paycheck – offers no alternative endings. What if you get so pissed off at being fired that you blow off your former boss’s head with a shotgun? Well, you still fight anti-gamers and the remaining members of Running with Scissors (the real-life game designer and your in-game employers) still come to your aid.

Also, the plot is – well, there really is no plot. I don’t think RWS would even argue with me on this one – check out the protestors’ signs, and you’ll notice a few that say “Make a Game with a Plot!”

The game has a strong sense of humor about its own violence, with the protagonist even quipping phrases like “I know what you’re thinking – but I don’t even like video games.”

The humor, though, just doesn’t seem to live up to the level of Grand Theft Auto, the ultimate bad boy of computer games.

Now, I promised a few good comments on this game, so here goes.

I’ve already mentioned the graphics, but the designers have fit in some other great elements. Many of them are fun surprises to encounter throughout the game but I’ll give you a few of the obvious ones:

First, the highly-touted “liquid physics” (which includes water and gasoline, too, not just that “other” liquid) which allow you to do things like leave a trail of gasoline up to a car, light a match from a safe distance and watch the car explode.

Dogs will play fetch with you, and will become guard dogs if you give them snack treats. If you eat too much fast food (to regain health), you start getting a tummy ache – I mean gut – I mean crap factory.

The problem is, much of the interaction raises your expectations, then fails short. For example, some of the houses have lamps and computers that you can topple by kicking them around. Other houses have lamps that are impervious to intense fire and rocket blasts.

You can vote twice on the same day and the cops don’t seem to mind. (And do we really need more “hanging chad” jokes?) Changes don’t seem to take effect from day to day; if you wipe out the “health pipe” shop one day, they’re back in business the next day.

Let’s see, there’s one other issue nagging me...

Could it be – LOAD TIMES??

Each section of the city takes up to a minute (or longer) to load on my moderate-speed Celeron 1.2 GHz computer. And, most missions require you to travel across several sections to reach your objective. While the huge town is a living, breathing work of art, many of the sites are worth only seeing once. Other places seem to exist only for one or two missions – the rest of the time they are dead.

  Final Rating: